I have the power.....

It's been 6 weeks since my world came crashing down...wow has it really been 6 weeks? It seems so much shorter in some ways and so very much longer in others...

I have learned so much about myself in that short/long amount of time. I have learned that what doesn't kill you indeed makes you stronger...I have learned that I am so very capable of surviving even the most horrendous heartbreak. I am able to get up each and every morning and go about my day the same way I have for years. I never let myself fall into a hole so deep that I could not function and be the mother my children needed me to be. When I am all alone in the daytime with no one to question my tear streaked face, I cry. I yell. I let out all of my anger and sorrow to these walls that surround me. I pull myself together again and get on with my day...being the absolute best that I can be. My friends think I am crazy because I am not acting the way everyone else would act. I have not gone public with my anger, I have not even directed it towards those that deserve it. I have risen above that and maintained my dignity. I am proud of how far I have come. I am so much stronger than I ever dreamed I was. I don't know where this inner strength comes from. I don't know what is holding me up and not letting me fall, but it is something powerful. Some would say it is God. For God gives us what we need when we need it. If that is so then God has been by my side these past 6 weeks.

My friends have been amazing. They have been there for me day or night, whatever I needed. Aside from the gut wrenching loneliness that I feel all the time, I am healing. My children are always there for me to give me love and hugs and kisses just when I need them most. The absolute hardest part of this whole ordeal is not having someone to hug and hold me tight. I miss the closeness that I had with him for so many years. And knowing that someone else is in his arms receiving his love and kisses makes me sad beyond compare. I am starting to not miss him, just that connection that I had, or thought I had. I do not feel the same way about him that I felt 6 weeks ago...or even three weeks ago...I am moving in the right direction.

I am not completely over him, as I am sure I wont be for a long time, but my feelings for him are fading, my heart is no longer breaking and my mind is not all consumed with thoughts of my life gone terribly wrong. I am not ready to move on...but I am not stuck in the same place....I have the power within me to move away from my grief and be happy again...though I never thought I would, I can see the silver lining....