It's been 12 days since my world cracked in half. I am still in the mourning stage and it just doesn't seem real to me. I guess it's denial. Exactly 7 days after he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, he had sex with his high school girlfriend. He was gone for the entire weekend and came home with a hickey on his neck. The hickey wasn't the only reason I knew what he had done. It was written all over him. In his words and body language, he wouldn't look me in the face. In that moment I knew it was completely over. Like there is just no coming back form this. There is no way I am going to get him back if after a week he is already to move on with someone he loved 25 years ago. He swears it wasn't planned. That it just happened. I am not as stupid as I look. They have been talking for a while now and letting each other know their feelings for each other. They have both known how the other has felt long before I knew how he felt. In my book that is emotional cheating, which actually hurts way more than them having sex. They are already planning their life together. We haven't even told our kids yet.
My first reaction to finding out what he had done was anger. More like fury. I was furious. I let him have it with both barrels and he just sat there like a child being scolded. In that moment after I was done having my say. I felt relieved. So very relieved. I have no idea why....it just doesn't make sense to me. Here I am staring at this man whom I have loved and cared about for so many years, telling me that he has been with another, and the only emotion I have after the anger is relief.
That was on day 8. Today on day 12, I am pretty much just angry. Angry at him for everything he has said and done and the things he hasn't said and done. Angry at him for moving on to someone who he thinks will make him happy. When in reality no one will ever make him happy. He is impossible to please, he has unrealistic expectations of those he is involved with. She may make him happy for a while, but I can almost guarantee it wont be forever. And that is just so sad. Sad that he threw away our life together looking for something better.
It is so strange to me that he no longer shares part of his life with me. That it is her that he is calling on the phone on his way home from work. That it is her that receives all the texts through out the day. That it is her he says "I love you" to. That it is her he thinks of and her he turns to when he is having troubles. I am no longer his person. I am no longer in the circle. I am on the outside looking in and it hurts me like I can't explain.
I am trying to be strong and hold on and move past all this hurt and anger, but it is much, much harder than I had ever dreamed it would be. Having someone else in his life so soon after my world was destroyed has nearly ended me. I am holding on for the sake of my children and only for them. He told me we would always be friends and I would always be his family, but it just isnt true. He has turned his back on me in all the ways that truly matter and left me in a void I am trying desperately to get out of. He is still here everyday. We are still living in the same house, and the kids have not been told anything, but it is not the same.at.all.
The pain I feel right now in this moment is probably nothing compared to the pain my children will feel when we tell them. And that time is coming soon.