Monday, January 28, 2013

My new reality

I remember that I was dreaming. I think in the dream I was laughing. I awoke suddenly and for a few seconds I smiled. Then it hit me and the tears started to flow. The man who I have loved and devoted my life to for the past 11 years doesn't love me anymore. In his words he loves me like a friend and he will always care about me but what he feels for me isn't enough for him. I am devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken, and so very sad. I thought that we would grow old together. I thought we had what it takes to make it through raising kids and bills and drudgery and life. I thought we would end our days together remembering our long happy life surrounded by our kids and their kids. But I was wrong.

My new reality is that I will be a single mom. I will not be married to the love of my life. I will not falls asleep listening to him breathing. I will not be able to reach out and touch him the night. I will not wake up next to him. I will be alone. For the sake of our three amazing kids we will present a united front. We will not tear each other apart, and we will still be a family, just not the one I thought we would be. We will still do things together as a family, things that we love doing. We will still live in the same house with a few modifications. We will be there for our kids no matter what. He will still take care of me and support me for as long as I need him to and he will not leave me alone and hopeless.

 It hurts. The pain is at this moment unbearable, it is excruciating, but it will pass. I will not be devastated forever, I will not be heartbroken forever. I will survive. For myself and for my babies. Some day I may not love him as I do now, and I long for that. I long for a day when I can look at him and not feel destroyed.

I am thankful that we have not screamed at each other, that we have not broken each other down and made one another feel worse than we already do. He never wanted to hurt me and he thought that if he waited long enough he would fall in love with me again. But he didn't. He just couldn't. I thank him for trying to love me even when he could not. I am thankful that he still cares about me enough to want to be around me and raise our kids together. Our family won't be a conventional family, and it may at some point be very complicated if either of us wants to "date". We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

 He is and will always be my very best friend. Til death do us part.

No comments: