8 months gone...

It has been 8 months since I became separated from the man I loved. So much has happened in these months that I do not know where to begin. All I can say is that everything I knew then or was told then was an absolute lie. He never intended for us to always be family. As soon as his girlfriend was on the scene he became increasingly hostile towards me...and surprisingly towards her as well. As it stands now I was forced to leave a home that I loved because of his absolute selfishness and I am now living with my three children in a camper. Soon we will have housing but that isn't the point. He promised to always take care of us, the kids and I...he has not done so. It no longer angers me that he didnt love me anymore, mostly because I found out I really didnt love him. It took no time at all for my heart to heal and be ready to let him go. I am so much stronger and happier than I ever thought I could be on January 27,2013. I literally thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. I couldnt imagine being without him. In truth I couldnt imagine being on my own. But I am and I have my three gorgeous babies with me. I do not have to deal with his rages and anger. I do not have to deal with him treating me like a piece of trash. I am free. Of him and his crap. So very free. It is a wonderful feeling. His girlfriend on the other hand is dealing daily with his anger and mood swings, having things thrown at her and having her heart ripped out day after day. He treats her so much worse openly than he ever treated me. They are 8 months into their love affair and she is so defeated. Karma? Perhaps. Maybe it is just a case of "be careful what you wish for because it might just come true".  I do know this, they are not soulmates as they claimed to be. They will not be together forever. One of them will go to far and the other will break. And I will go on with my life raising my kids and being happy and free.

I have the power.....

It's been 6 weeks since my world came crashing down...wow has it really been 6 weeks? It seems so much shorter in some ways and so very much longer in others...

I have learned so much about myself in that short/long amount of time. I have learned that what doesn't kill you indeed makes you stronger...I have learned that I am so very capable of surviving even the most horrendous heartbreak. I am able to get up each and every morning and go about my day the same way I have for years. I never let myself fall into a hole so deep that I could not function and be the mother my children needed me to be. When I am all alone in the daytime with no one to question my tear streaked face, I cry. I yell. I let out all of my anger and sorrow to these walls that surround me. I pull myself together again and get on with my day...being the absolute best that I can be. My friends think I am crazy because I am not acting the way everyone else would act. I have not gone public with my anger, I have not even directed it towards those that deserve it. I have risen above that and maintained my dignity. I am proud of how far I have come. I am so much stronger than I ever dreamed I was. I don't know where this inner strength comes from. I don't know what is holding me up and not letting me fall, but it is something powerful. Some would say it is God. For God gives us what we need when we need it. If that is so then God has been by my side these past 6 weeks.

My friends have been amazing. They have been there for me day or night, whatever I needed. Aside from the gut wrenching loneliness that I feel all the time, I am healing. My children are always there for me to give me love and hugs and kisses just when I need them most. The absolute hardest part of this whole ordeal is not having someone to hug and hold me tight. I miss the closeness that I had with him for so many years. And knowing that someone else is in his arms receiving his love and kisses makes me sad beyond compare. I am starting to not miss him, just that connection that I had, or thought I had. I do not feel the same way about him that I felt 6 weeks ago...or even three weeks ago...I am moving in the right direction.

I am not completely over him, as I am sure I wont be for a long time, but my feelings for him are fading, my heart is no longer breaking and my mind is not all consumed with thoughts of my life gone terribly wrong. I am not ready to move on...but I am not stuck in the same place....I have the power within me to move away from my grief and be happy again...though I never thought I would, I can see the silver lining....

It's been 12 days since my world cracked in half. I am still in the mourning stage and it just doesn't seem real to me. I guess it's denial. Exactly 7 days after he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, he had sex with his high school girlfriend. He was gone for the entire weekend and came home with a hickey on his neck. The hickey wasn't the only reason I knew what he had done. It was written all over him. In his words and body language, he wouldn't look me in the face. In that moment I knew it was completely over. Like there is just no coming back form this. There is no way I am going to get him back if after a week he is already to move on with someone he loved 25 years ago. He swears it wasn't planned. That it just happened. I am not as stupid as I look. They have been talking for a while now and letting each other know their feelings for each other. They have both known how the other has felt long before I knew how he felt. In my book that is emotional cheating, which actually hurts way more than them having sex. They are already planning their life together. We haven't even told our kids yet.

My first reaction to finding out what he had done was anger. More like fury. I was furious. I let him have it with both barrels and he just sat there like a child being scolded. In that moment after I was done having my say. I felt relieved. So very relieved. I have no idea why....it just doesn't make sense to me. Here I am staring at this man whom I have loved and cared about for so many years, telling me that he has been with another, and the only emotion I have after the anger is relief.

That was on day 8. Today on day 12, I am pretty much just angry. Angry at him for everything he has said and done and the things he hasn't said and done. Angry at him for moving on to someone who he thinks will make him happy. When in reality no one will ever make him happy. He is impossible to please, he has unrealistic expectations of those he is involved with. She may make him happy for a while, but I can almost guarantee it wont be forever. And that is just so sad. Sad that he threw away our life together looking for something better.

It is so strange to me that he no longer shares part of his life with me. That it is her that he is calling on the phone on his way home from work. That it is her that receives all the texts through out the day. That it is her he says "I love you" to. That it is her he thinks of and her he turns to when he is having troubles. I am no longer his person. I am no longer in the circle. I am on the outside looking in and it hurts me like I can't explain.

I am trying to be strong and hold on and move past all this hurt and anger, but it is much, much harder than I had ever dreamed it would be. Having someone else in his life so soon after my world was destroyed has nearly ended me. I am holding on for the sake of my children and only for them. He told me we would always be friends and I would always be his family, but it just isnt true. He has turned his back on me in all the ways that truly matter and left me in a void I am trying desperately to get out of. He is still here everyday. We are still living in the same house, and the kids have not been told anything, but it is not the same.at.all.

The pain I feel right now in this moment is probably nothing compared to the pain my children will feel when we tell them. And that time is coming soon.

My new reality

I remember that I was dreaming. I think in the dream I was laughing. I awoke suddenly and for a few seconds I smiled. Then it hit me and the tears started to flow. The man who I have loved and devoted my life to for the past 11 years doesn't love me anymore. In his words he loves me like a friend and he will always care about me but what he feels for me isn't enough for him. I am devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken, and so very sad. I thought that we would grow old together. I thought we had what it takes to make it through raising kids and bills and drudgery and life. I thought we would end our days together remembering our long happy life surrounded by our kids and their kids. But I was wrong.

My new reality is that I will be a single mom. I will not be married to the love of my life. I will not falls asleep listening to him breathing. I will not be able to reach out and touch him the night. I will not wake up next to him. I will be alone. For the sake of our three amazing kids we will present a united front. We will not tear each other apart, and we will still be a family, just not the one I thought we would be. We will still do things together as a family, things that we love doing. We will still live in the same house with a few modifications. We will be there for our kids no matter what. He will still take care of me and support me for as long as I need him to and he will not leave me alone and hopeless.

 It hurts. The pain is at this moment unbearable, it is excruciating, but it will pass. I will not be devastated forever, I will not be heartbroken forever. I will survive. For myself and for my babies. Some day I may not love him as I do now, and I long for that. I long for a day when I can look at him and not feel destroyed.

I am thankful that we have not screamed at each other, that we have not broken each other down and made one another feel worse than we already do. He never wanted to hurt me and he thought that if he waited long enough he would fall in love with me again. But he didn't. He just couldn't. I thank him for trying to love me even when he could not. I am thankful that he still cares about me enough to want to be around me and raise our kids together. Our family won't be a conventional family, and it may at some point be very complicated if either of us wants to "date". We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

 He is and will always be my very best friend. Til death do us part.

In the wake of this devastating tragedy in Connecticut, I find myself most often very close to tears. I look at my children and am very thankful that they are safe, but I look beyond that and think what if it was them. I can't stop my mind from going there and the thought of losing one of my precious babies leaves me breathless. I simply cannot breathe. Tears run down my cheeks and I can feel the pain that I think I would feel if I lost them. It is absolutely overwhelming...and I cannot imagine having to go through that pain for real, for forever...

I waited all weekend to talk to my two younger kids until this morning. My oldest was met at the door by me on Friday with tears streaming down my cheeks, while I pulled her into an embrace that I am sure scared her. I explained what had happened and watched her face as the realization of what I was saying struck her. She was very strong, for me I think because I was a mess. But for Kaleb and Taylor I waited. Not knowing how to tell them of something so horrible with out losing it again, and not knowing what just the right words were. In my explanation to them of those events, I simply said that a man went into a school and took the lives of teachers and children. Taylor asked "how did he do it?" I said he had shot them. Her eyes widened and she asked "why?" This is the question I was dreading, the one that no one has an answer to. I simply said to her"I don't know baby, sometimes things happen and we just do not know why". Her heart is big and  she loves everyone and she just couldn't understand how such evil could walk this earth. She asked what the children looked like. So I showed her their pictures. Kaleb wanted to see too. I pulled up the photos of those beloved souls and we looked through them together. It became very real for Kaleb as he always acts as though nothing bothers him. He saw those little faces, with their teeth missing and smiling and being silly and he knew they were real. Not just something on the news. Real kids, just like him. Taylor gasped as we passed one photo of a little girl and she said "that looks just like my friend" I told her that we didn't know these children, but that she was someones friend and that she was probably a very good friend and loved by many. After looking through the photos of those kids, by own had no more questions. They may have some later but for now they are silent.

Taking them to school today was much, much harder than I thought it would be. The incredibly long line of cars at Kalebs school reminded me that all is not right with the world. That our safety and the safety of our children is always at risk, no matter where they are. I am grateful for the police presence at my childrens schools, but I am sad and angry for why they need to be there. Normally as I wait in line to drop off my boy, I am annoyed by the "helicopter parents" that hold up the line. Watching their child walk into school, until they are out of sight. Today, I was one of those parents. Is this what the world is coming to? That we need police at an elementary school, and parents need to be reassured throughout the say that their beloveds are safe? That we have to say to our kids that should a gunman come into their school to hide and be absolutely silent and if need be, lie down on the floor and play dead. Yet for them to be safe I would tell them those things.

I am almost always close to tears since I heard of this tragedy. I cry for those lost souls, those innocent beings. I cry for them even though I did not know them. I cry because I am a parent. I am a mother.

It's been a long time since I posted, but life sorta gets away from you..and no one was reading anyway. As in previous years I have taken the kids pictures for our family Christmas card. Its a tradition I started way back when Taylor was just a year old. Every year I line them up and try and get the best shots. Last year I decided that it would probably be MUCH easier to take their pictures separate and holy shit was I right. Instead of taking over 100 photos to get one I like, I take maybe a dozen total and I am satisfied with the results. It is nearly impossible to get three personalities to look at me and smiling and and be adorable when they are together. Why didnt I think of this sooner? Well, with out further ado, here they are.

Megan age 11 1/2

Kaleb age 8

                                                                    Taylor age 10

                                                 Happy Holidays from our family to yours!

Picture diary 2012

Taylor and Kaleb. This is usually how I find them. My kids are so close that they hate to be apart. everyone has their own room, but very seldom. sleep in their own beds.